Satire

Ice Didn’t Do What They Did and Do

David August

13 Dec 2025 — 2 min read

Citizen Taken by author

A statement from the US Department of Homeland Security:

"Guys, guys, except for all the times we have targeted, arrested, unlawfully detained, been violent with, and hurt American Citizens, ICE doesn't do those things to American citizens.

We should be grateful that ICE is doing the vital work of culling people from the pool of American citizens who don't deserve American citizenship by virtue of ending up at the mercy of masked and unmarked agents in unmarked cars. Real American citizens would never encounter such an un-American experience, and rest assured if you do get taken, maimed or killed by ICE, or ICE-like forces, you weren't really an American to start with, were you?

There is a not a single instance of us over stepping our Congressional mandate if you simply ignore all the times we have. Just don't notice them and they are basically not there.

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Let's just set aside the instances of ICE going at US citizens for a moment, and admit that if your wrists get in the way of ICE zip ties, if your lungs dare to breathe in our chemical weapons without written permission in advance, or if your body and face get in the way of ICE munitions, that was illegal of you. So if you're really honest with yourself, you deserved it and have no one to blame but yourself. People who follow laws don't get targeted by ICE, as being a target is a clear indication of criminality on the part of the target.

Our agents only attack people when they feel like it, and they would never go after natural born Americans unless they wanted to. Bringing down the worst of the worst is a joy, not a chore. ICE would never harm an American citizen unless they really really wanted to.

We all need to embrace that anyone ICE takes, hurts or kills is, by virtue of that taking, hurting and killing clearly an enemy of the United States, and should de facto have their US citizenship face an in-the-field arbitrary revocation. No American citizen's citizenship endures an encounter with ICE actions anymore than their safety does. That's just common sense law enforcement."

David August is an award-winning actor, acting coach, writer, director, and producer. He plays a role in the movie Dependent’s Day, and after its theatrical run, it’s now out on Amazon (affiliate link). He has appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live on ABC, on the TV show Ghost Town, and many others. His artwork has been used and featured by multiple writers, filmmakers, theatre practitioners, and others to express visually. Off-screen, he has worked at ad agencies, start-ups, production companies, and major studios, helping them tell stories their customers and clients adore. He has guest lectured at USC’s Marshall School of Business about the Internet.