I Hope This Email Finds You Well

It will find you.

I hope this email finds you well,

I equipped it with state-of-the-art and bleedingly new technology to find you. It not only has heat-seeking and LiDAR to help it detect you and where you are but accesses 3,421 databases to construct a comprehensive view of you.

Your face-unlock attempts with DMV driver's license and passport photos are used by this email to build a model of your face for comparison with brand new machine learning-trained image analysis run on photos and videos from every camera in your home, office, cafe, or anywhere else you go, to track you when your face or the ratio of the dimensions of your limbs can be seen or captured.

The pattern of your walk and/or run is subjected to gait analysis to identify you on the move.

Your credit card transactions, social media posts and browsing, internet searches, and even your smartphone’s location as calculated by: cell tower, wifi networks you pass, GPS, and even the Russian Federation’s global positioning system: GLONASS, are all cross/checked and collated to keep track of your location at all times [and yes your device has GLONASS capable chips in it because they were required so that model could be sold there by the company that made the device].

Your devices’ health data is screened against these other sources to understand your current amount of sleep, hydration, nutrition, point in the circadian cycle, and the status of any ongoing health conditions which are known by accessing your prescription and medical history. This is combined with an AI analysis of your skin tone and health from photos and videos and the galvanic skin responses under your smartwatch and other wearables.

This email can both find you well and know how well you are when found.

And I wanted to say that the 2 pm meeting has been canceled. I’ll send another email if we reschedule it, I’m not too worried about it.

Yours,

David August

© Copyright April 22, 2023, David August, all rights reserved davidaugust.com

David August is an award-winning actor, acting coach, writer, director, and producer. He plays a role in the movie Dependent’s Day, and after its theatrical run, it’s now out on Amazon. He has appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live on ABC, on the TV show Ghost Town, and many others. His artwork has been used by multiple writers, filmmakers, theatre practitioners, and others to express visually. Off-screen, he has worked at ad agencies, start-ups, production companies, and major studios, helping them tell stories their customers and clients adore. He has guest lectured at USC’s Marshall School of Business about the Internet.