Bovino Petitions to Fight Wild Boar Naked for Sentence Commutation

Naysayers Say Nay

July 12, 2034: Fremont County, Colorado - Gregory Bovino, serving several life sentences at both the federal and state levels in multiple states, has petitioned the courts asking that he be granted permission to wrestle a wild boar naked, and, if he survives, have the rest of his sentences commuted. He reportedly suggested the unclothed confrontation between him and a wild boar be televised as a pay-per-view event, no word if he'd dedicate the proceeds go to his victims and their surviving family members to help defray on-going medical expenses.

The disgraced former U.S. Customs and Border Patrol agent has repeatedly attempted to circumvent the results of trials in six states and a Federal Court in what many stipulate are bids both to escape accountability and to regain the limelight he ardently enjoyed back in 2025 and 2026 while he was Border Patrol Commander at Large and commanded a campaign of mayhem that sickened the nation and world, and began a period that included some of the most grotesque atrocities of the 21st Century so far.

The UN Special Rapporteur on Serious Human Rights Violations in the United States, Accountability, Reconciliation, and the Clarification of the Fate and Whereabouts of Missing Persons dismissed Bovino’s latest petition as frivolous, saying “this effort is further proof he lacks any contrition, and this is him making a mockery of the serious crimes committed by him and at his command.”

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Thousands of former agents who worked for Customs and Border Patrol, Immigration and Customs Enforcement and a half dozen other federal agencies remain incarcerated. The handful not yet captured or killed are still pursued by authorities after being indicted in absentia for various crimes committed during the final years of the now disbanded Department of Homeland Security.

Experts from the Feral Swine Foundation say any wild boar is unlikely to be harmed, beyond mild stomach upset, during a confrontation with a 64 year old naked human. They point out there are several ways the boar would be expected to maul or kill a human in such a context. Public opinion is relatively unified, according to recent polling, that those federal agents, executives and political appointees imprisoned for these crimes remain behind bars and serve out their sentences.

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© Copyright February 7, 2025, David August, all rights reserved davidaugust.com

David August is an award-winning actor, acting coach, writer, director, and producer. He plays a role in the movie Dependent’s Day, and after its theatrical run, it’s now out on Amazon (affiliate link). He has appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live on ABC, on the TV show Ghost Town, and many others. His artwork has been used and featured by multiple writers, filmmakers, theatre practitioners, and others to express visually. Off-screen, he has worked at ad agencies, start-ups, production companies, and major studios, helping them tell stories their customers and clients adore. He has guest lectured at USC’s Marshall School of Business about the Internet.